Happiness Is Not An Accident, Just Be Happy!

Happiness--A Critical Life Skill You Can't Do Without

Wayne Dyer tells us, "Change your thoughts and you change your life." Few people would argue with such ancient wisdom. However sometimes it is easier said than done.

I have spent years actively learning strategies to develop an authentic positive mindset and eliminate negative thought patterns. It's an ongoing process. Much like developing a physical muscle, you can't coast on your progress. Muscles atrophy when they're not used, both physical and mental muscles.

The good news is that there is a wealth of resources available to help. From uncovering limiting beliefs to dissolving fears, from choosing deliberate focus to envisioning a successful future, the tools are plentiful and accessible.

It's helpful to remember that happiness isn't an accident--it's a skill that can be learned, one that can help you feel better, resist depression and greatly improve your relationships and your life. A great place to begin building your happiness skill is to build your optimism muscle.

Psychologist, clinical researcher and bestselling author Martin Seligman has spent 25 years studying optimism and pessimism. In his book, Learned Optimism, he states that pessimistic thinking can undermine not just your behaviour but your success in all areas of your life.

"Pessimism is escapable," he writes. "Pessimists can learn to be optimists."

By altering your view of your life, you can actually alter your life, he says. The first step is to recognize your "explanatory style." What do you say to yourself when you experience a set back?

When you find yourself caught in pessimistic thinking, use the following strategies offered by Price Pritchett in his book, Hard Optimism: How to Succeed in a World Where Positive Wins, to build your optimism muscle.

Recognize and Dispute Pessimistic Thoughts. Don't allow your mind to run on autopilot with negative thoughts getting free rein to spread unhappiness. When you notice the negative thoughts, refocus on past successes, emphasize your strengths, look for what is good about the situation, and identify solutions.

Don't Accept Problems at Face Value. When trouble hits, give yourself a short period of time to let the initial shock wear off, then switch your attention from worst-case to best-case thinking. This reframing counters the tendency to overestimate problems and underestimate your ability to handle them successfully. Positive reframing creates space for optimism, nurtures hope, and adds to your resilience.

Make Hope a Habit. Hope helps move us in the direction of our goals and ambitions. Research proves that hope improves our chances for success, increases happiness, and is good for your health. Hope energizes and mobilizes us, serving as a catalyst for action. Because hope links directly to our confidence level, it inspires us to aim higher, put forth more effort, and have more staying power.

Practice "Spiritual Optimism." Joan Borysenko, psychologist, speaker and author of several books, including Fire in the Soul, encourages people who experience feelings of despair and hopelessness in times of crises to remember it takes courage to live, and that we can find that courage by facing our fears, finding support and using prayer or meditation.

A critical belief that underlies all of these points is the existence of choice. You are free to choose the focus of your attention, your interpretation of a situation, and your actions. By choosing to focus, interpret, and act on situations in a positive and optimistic manner you create a joyful, successful life that continues to build a positive momentum. What more can you ask for!

I invite you to share your thoughts on this topic. What strategies do you use to build your optimism muscle? What makes you happy? To join the discussion, visit my blog.

by Sheila Betker

Sheila Betker is founder of Freedom to Dream, a company dedicated to connecting women with their true life's purpose and helping them build the life of their dreams. To sign up for a free 10-part ecourse entitled, Living Your Dream Life: Step By Step Guide to Living Your Life on Purpose, visit: Freedom To Dream.

Say No With Grace And Compassion (When You Need To)

There are times in our life when we just need to say "NO" to a request from someone wanting some of our time or effort, or take us into a situation we just don't want to be in.

Here are a few ideas that can take you out of that situation and let them know that you do care about them, so they don't get the wrong idea.

Say No With Grace and Compassion

The hard part of saying "no," especially to friends and family, is that you simply don't want to hurt someone. After all, you think, they wouldn't have asked if they didn't really need or want it, would they?

And, as social beings, most of us want to be helpful. Helping is part of survival for the family and community. It's bred into us at home, and reinforced in school, on T.V. and in all sorts of literature.

Also, we've been trained to consider saying "no" to be rude. Unacceptable. Provocative. We get that notion reinforced by the number of people who show anger or disappointment when we say it. Additionally, we get anxious when people are angry or disappointed with us. We feel guilty when someone obviously feels rejected.

If that weren't enough, many, many folks take "no" as a challenge or as a starting point for negotiation. In fact, salespeople are specifically taught to take "no" as the opening salvo in a battle to get to "yes." (Of course, if you are a parent, you already understand the challenge process and tactics from in-depth experience.)

Add all of that to the abiding human need to be needed, and you've got a whopper of a problem about saying "no."

Nevertheless, for whatever reason -- and just not wanting to do it is good enough -- you have to say "no." So you want to do it well. You want to be firm and believable. You want to have your "no" be accepted and unchallenged. You want everyone to walk away feeling good about it. Or at least without any resentments or damage to the relationship.

So, here are a couple of techniques you can use to put yourself in a good frame of mind and mode of communication to be both compassionate and graceful in refusing a request or offer:

• Smile. Smile a genuine, grateful smile of appreciation for having been asked to be of help. Say "no" in with a tone and attitude that reflects the gratitude of your smile.

• Imagine having to saying "no" to someone you love and really want to help. Picture it in full color detail. See that person's face and allow yourself to feel your affection and good will for him or her. Practice various ways of saying "no" while in that caring state of mind. Use the same image in the real situation as well as in practicing.

Try practicing variations on some of the following to find your own "no" voice. Get a variety of friends to practice with you and give you feedback on how you're doing. (One practice partner is not enough -- you need to practice with several people who have different perspectives. And, by the way, if someone you ask to help says "no," accept the refusal graciously.)

Ways to phrase refusals:

• Generic: "Thank you for thinking of me, but no, I just can't. Let me suggest someone else who might."

• Generic: "Sorry, but I just don't have the time right now. I think X might help out. Do you want his phone number?"

• Generic: "I'd like to help, but I'm not able to now. Is there another time that I could work with you on that?"

• Invitations to do something you don't like, by someone you do like: "Thanks, but the truth is I really hate baseball (or ballet or opera or whatever). Let's plan to do something we both like, some other time."

• When asked to do something that's just plain wrong (cheating, fraud, harmful lies, etc.): "No, I'm not willing to do that, and I'm concerned that you might be harmed (get in trouble) if you do that. Are you open to other suggestions?"

Take the time to write out a list of refusals of your own, similar to the ones above. Make sure to practice them so that you can deliver them calmly and kindly in the real situation and so that you are always prepared to say "no" effectively.

Be warned: no matter how compassionate and caring you are, some people won't take no for an answer and you'll still end up with a power struggle. Some people will be hurt. Some people will be resentful. And sometimes relationships will end when you don't give the other person what they want. You can only do your best.

by C.S. Clarke

C.S. Clarke, Ph.D. is a psychologist and publisher of http://www.Superperformance.com a Performance Impact, Inc. property. http://www.Superperformance.com publishes human performance and self-improvement articles, link directories, e-books, and many other tools for improving human performance and productivity, for career development, and for personal achievement.

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No Fear, No Fear, No Fear, Say Yes!

In a culture full of reasons to say "no", it takes a lot of courage to find ways to say "yes".

We're taught to say "no" from a very young age, after all. For most of us, our first word was "no'', and it quickly became our favorite word. As toddlers and teenagers, we used "no'' to differentiate ourselves from our parents, peers, and surroundings.

It's how we began to control what was happening around us, or at least, how we tried to control that. It helped us over those early developmental hurdles, and gave us our earliest sense of our personal boundaries -- and that's a lot of significance bound up in such a tiny word!

The problem isn't that "no" in and of itself is somehow bad; indeed, giving yourself permission to say "no" as an adult can keep you out of an awful lot of trouble.

The problem is that "No" begins to take on a life of its own. Too often, that life is yours.

Life is change, and "no" becomes a way of slowing down that change, or trying to stop it altogether. It is a shield we use to protect ourselves from having to experience anything new or different.

Rather than riding the wave of change into a life full of exhilarating possibilities, we use "no" as a tether to keep us safely confined to the kiddie pool.

Using "no" to protect ourselves from change is like a kitten poking its head under covers assuming it's completely hidden.

Change is going to happen, whether you say "no" to it or not. And, just like that kitten, assuming that "no" protects you from change is one sure way to have it pounce on you and bite your tail.

Let's be honest here: We usually say "no'' out of fear, and some fears are entirely reasonable. It's sensible to say "no'' to jumping off a bridge or "no'' to cake if you are diabetic. These "no's'' aren't the ones that keep us from living lives of incredible satisfaction and happiness.

It's those silly, neurotic fears like fearing rejection, or of looking stupid, or being wrong. It's the fear of commitment, the fear of speaking out, and the fear of facing our truest, deepest desires.

The list is nauseatingly long, and we've all bought into some of these at least once. These fears have shaped our lives, often to our detriment and sometimes to the detriment of those around us.

So the next time you're faced with something new and exciting and all those little neurotic fears start rioting inside you, what does it take to fight down a "no" and say "yes" instead?

In a word: Courage.

Like the Cowardly Lion (an archetype for the fear-ridden) we need to find our courage. Unlike him, we know that we have to face our fears, and find our courage within.

Inside each of us beats a brave, fiercely courageous heart, willing to take on a challenge if it means that life afterward will be more authentic, happier, and free.

What better challenges to tackle than the fears that keep us chained to our tiny, boring, closeted little lives?

Do yourself a favor: Right now, identify and tackle at least one of those inner fears. Find a reason to say "yes" today, and every day. You've only your inner coward to lose!

by Rev. Dr. Alesia Matson

Rev. Dr. Alesia Matson is co-founder of Reasons to Say Yes! a community of like-minded souls who are determined not to allow internal fears to limit or inhibit the broad range of joyous experiences available to them in this life. She teaches and writes articles on meditation and self-improvement, and is the author of 7 Mysteries: Contemplative Arts for the Modern Mystic. Contact her at alesia@reasons2sayyes.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com